End of the
Line and Then…. You
Mum, Dad,
I’m sorry……. You taught me to be
strong, to be a fighter, but I just can’t take it anymore. I’ve tried so hard,
so hard but it’s just too much. I’ve been so alone and so scared. I’m sorry I
didn’t come to you. I feel like such a disappointment. I feel like my life has
been slipping through my fingers and I’ve no control. It’s just one bad day
after another.
I hid the bruises, the cuts and tears, because
I didn’t want to worry you. I’m all alone but never left alone. Day and night
they hound me, calling, texting, email, facebook, twitter, there is nowhere to
hide. You ask why I never answer your calls and texts and I say that my phone
died. I turn it off to escape them, to finally get some peace, but even that
doesn’t last. Even in my dreams they hurt and hunt me, so I get no rest.
I’ve skipped school, pretended to be
ill but even these are only postponing the inevitable. My friends are gone,
they’ve either joined them or abandoned me to avoid the same treatment, and I
don’t blame them for it. They should feel safe, live without the constant
barrage of abuse and fear. #die #moron are the only ones I can write down for
decencies’ sake. I say I’m ok but I think you knew I was often upset, but you
didn’t want to intrude. Even if you’d asked I wouldn’t have told you. This was
my cross to bear.
You don’t know but I’ve attempted
this before. That day a couple of months ago when I was really, really ill, I
was so low. I took a full box of paracetamol and Dad’s bottle of vodka. I cried
myself to sleep then, I couldn’t even do that right. I don’t know what is wrong
with me, why am I like this? Do I deserve this? Why can’t I escape why won’t
they let me be? Maybe now I can finally get some peace, some silence. This is
the only bit of control I have left. When, where and how.
I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough,
couldn’t be the person you wanted me to be. I did try, so hard. I need you to
know that. I need you to know this is not your fault, this is me, mine, taking
back control.
Please, remember me the way I was
last summer, so happy, so full of life.
Please, please remember,
I love you.
All I can say is thank
you, words
cannot explain to you how much of an effect you’ve had. I was in such a dark
place and then there was you…. You turned my life around, showed me I was worth
so much more.
I could tell that you knew that I was
at the end of my rope and about to break when we first met but then you did
something I didn’t expect. You saved me,
you took me
for who I was, insisted I join you for a milkshake. You’d been stood up, you
had already ordered, and didn’t want it to go to waste. What are the odds that,
on what I thought were my final steps to my end, were actually the first
steps to a new life and new me.
We talked…. Well, I talked and you
listened and it felt so good. I could finally let go of everything, it came
spilling out of me, and the dam had burst. You amazed me for the first time
that day and every day since, you just sat there and listened,
and when I’d finished and I was sure you run out the door, you got up, moved
over to me and just held me. I’d never felt safer in my whole life than I
did in that moment and that embrace. You told me I could be who I wanted to be,
no longer the victim, no longer the punching bag.
You came with me when I told
my parents
and again when I told the truth to my
teachers what
was going on and how low I’d fallen. You showed me a new way, helped
me change my
online identity so they couldn’t find me anymore, introduced me to new
friends, a new
phone number and a new outlook on life. It took time, but you were there with me
every step of the way. My Mum and Dad keep smiling when they see me, they can
see the effect you’ve had, and it’s infectious. I smile back and it
feels good.
I am worth, I am loved, I have
family, new friends and a new life. They don’t bother me anymore, and if they do say
anything, it’s like water off a ducks back now. I have a future now and it starting
to look bright.
Thank you and I love you.
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